As a father of an 18-year-old daughter who loves Sabrina Carpenter, I decided to give her brand-new album, “Man’s Best Friend,” a listen… or ten. After putting my ears through such excruciating punishment, I have mixed feelings about the poppy earworm burrowing in my brain. But before you storm my house with pitchforks and torches, please be aware that her song, “Nobody’s Son,” is currently buzzing in my head… so hear me out.

My introduction to Sabrina Carpenter dates back to the countless hours that I spent watching Girl Meets World on the Disney Channel with my (then) young daughter. Carpenter played Maya Hart, the street-smart and rebellious best friend of the main character, Riley Matthews. The show was mostly innocent, as Disney shows typically are, but “Man’s Best Friend” is guilty as charged.

First Meeting

Even the cover of “Man’s Best Friend” is anything but innocent. From the rip, Karens across the globe united in a unanimous outcry over the image of Carpenter on her knees with her hair being tugged suggestively towards a man standing over her; hinting at some unsavory acts being performed. Many have called it misogynistic and derogatory towards women, portraying dominance and submission. Others viewed it as a satirical homage to women’s physical desires… As a father, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

As a fan of various music genres, I dove into this album headfirst. I immediately noticed the musical versatility that “Man’s Best Friend” offers. The inspirations borrowed from rock, disco, pop, and country are evident. After my first listen, I decided that the album was pretty good and tolerable. But this was our first meeting, the album wasn’t this man’s best friend yet.

Getting Acquainted

While driving my daughter back to college last weekend, she hijacked my Spotify and implanted the earworm. I dropped her off at the safety of her friends in her dorm, and on my drive home, I listened to “Man’s Best Friend” for three days straight. It’s not my proudest admission, but it is what it is… I place the blame solely on my daughter, 100%. I will stick to that story.

Best Friends

“Man’s Best Friend” utilizes a range of emotions that any normal young woman may deal with. Carpenter mixes catchy hooks and well-timed humor to drive home her harmonic voice. The album’s first single, “Manchild,” is an anthem that calls out immature men —or boys — for being terrible boyfriends. The upbeat melody and light-hearted jabs towards the losers that she swears chose her, because she didn’t choose them.

“Nobody’s Son”, the sixth track off Man’s Best Friend, is a tale about heartbreak and points the finger at parents who have failed to raise good men. This is the song that has been on auto-play in my head for the last four days. The synth-piano-heavy song is a throwback to the pop songs I remember from my childhood. The chorus is relatable to anyone who has felt broken-hearted and let down. We’ve all been there, am I right…?

“Here we go again, crying in bed, what a familiar feeling.
All my friends in love, and I’m the one they call for a third wheeling.
Probably should have guessed, he’s like the rest, so fine and so deceiving.
There’s nobody’s son, not anyone left for me to believe in.”

One of the more racy and catchy disco-pop songs on “Man’s Best Friend” is “Tears.” Carpenter sings about tears that “run down her thighs,” as a man’s bedside manner turns her on unexpectedly. I am no doctor, but I am almost certain there are no tear ducts in that particular area…

Carpenter’s savage sense of humor is on full display on the 70s ballad-inspired track, “Never Getting Laid.” Nothing says civility after a breakup like wishing your former lover a “lifetime full of happiness and a forever of never getting laid.” Just the pure pettiness and tongue-in-cheek gestures of “taking the high road” make this one of my favorite songs on the album. After all, we can all be a Petty Betty sometimes.

“Baby, I’m not angry.
I love you just the same.
I just hope you get agoraphobia some day
And all your days are sunny
From your windowpane.
Wish you a lifetime full of happiness
And a forever of never getting laid.”

After a great evening out, Sabrina invites us on a “House Tour,” except… It’s not really an invite to check out her crib, but rather a request for something more. The song is a clever metaphor for ummm… fornication. She isn’t very subtle with her solicitation for copulation,

“Do you want the house tour?
I could take you to the first, second, third floor.
And I promise none of this is a metaphor.
I just want you to come inside.
But never enter through the back door.”

It’s only fitting that Man’s Best Friend, the 12-song album, ends with “Goodbye.” Another 70s-inspired ballad, reminiscent of ABBA, with a Sabrina Carpenter twist. She bids adieu to her former lover with a gentle reminder that he was “the one who said goodbye, so you don’t get to be the one who cries…” Nothing says goodbye forever like saying it in multiple languages.

“But I’ll say, “Arrivederci, au revoir”
Forgive my French, but f**k you, ta-ta.”

On a side note, I took four years of French in school. My teacher told me never to take it again… so I was pretty good. She gave me my D+, and I never spoke another word of French again. I share a birthday with Sabrina Carpenter. I knew there was a reason that I liked her.

Dad’s Approval

Overall, musically, “Man’s Best Friend” is a great album. The classic music arrangements and throwback style won over this forty-something father, but the provocative content of the songs makes me glad that Sabrina isn’t my daughter. The thought of my princess being this grown would send me to many years of therapy. She already broke her promise that she made to me at three years old, “no boys until she is 37″… Give me back my little girl and let’s watch reruns of Girl Meets World instead.