It’s been 20-something years since my Uncle Mike passed away. He died when I was 15 of stage 4 colon cancer. Everyone has an “Uncle Mike.” The uncle, who didn’t have children, always played practical jokes on us, didn’t take life too seriously, and was like a second father. He and my father even took me to my first baseball game when I was young, and I instantly fell in love with the game.

When my uncle passed away, he left everything to my sister and me. We split the inheritance 50/50, including the money we received from selling his condo, and my sister took his mint-condition car. The one kind of odd thing he left me specifically was his pet beach tortoise named Wally. These things can live to be over 100 years old, and he was Uncle Mike’s best friend for the last 15 years of his life. So, as a dying wish, my family and I took in Wally and have been taking care of him for the past 20 years.

I bring this up because I received quite an interesting email a few days ago. The morning started with my daily morning routine: getting up, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and getting ready to take on the day. After I make my way downstairs, I check on Wally, clean his area, give him fresh water, and feed him. I made some eggs and bacon for breakfast, grabbed a protein shake, and opened up my laptop.

As I scrolled, I deleted the 15 to 20 emails I receive on a daily basis. You know, the ones from places like Footlocker, to save 10 percent on the next pair of Nikes or the daily item Amazon is offering on sale. I came across an email with the subject line “One More Rib For You, Nephew.” I stared at it for what seemed like forever, but in reality, it was probably only a few moments.

How could this be? An email that came from Uncle Mike’s address. I called my wife over to make sure that she was seeing the same thing I was. At least she was able to confirm that I wasn’t seeing things or going crazy. She simply responded with, “Well, aren’t you going to open it?”

The email read:

“Dear Nephew,

I know it is probably strange to hear from me after all these years. I have been watching you and am here to drag you down to HELL!! I’m just kidding, nephew. I obviously wrote this before I died and had it scheduled to send years in the future. I am sure I would have been very proud of the man you have become. I hope your life has turned out the way you hoped. You were like the son I never had, and I wish we could have had more time together!

The reason I wrote this and waited to send this email was for Wally. I hope you granted my wish to take care of my old pal. I haven’t been completely honest with you, though. Although Wally was my pet for 15 years, I absolutely hated that bastard! His constant maintenance, upkeep, and constant snapping at my damn fingers drove me insane. Honestly, Nephew, I only got him and kept him for all those years; it was for this moment right now.

I wanted to make it seem Wally meant the world to me and give you the burden of taking care of my ‘best friend.’ It’s been long enough, so if you want to get rid of the bastard, it’s fine with me! Messing with you for the first 15 years of your life brought me so much joy that I had to rib you one more time when you least expected it. I hope you know I love you so much, and I will tell your aunt you said hello. Just kidding, she is in Hell, so we don’t talk anymore!

Love, Uncle Mike.

P.S. Who knows if you’ll get more messages from my rotting dead ass LOL!“

What the fuck did I just read? My uncle, that son of a bitch, made me take care of this got damn tortoise for 20-something years! Every day, I take care of Wally. Buying first aid supplies for every time he freaking bit me. I was mad for a couple of minutes, and then I burst out laughing. Ok, Uncle Mike, you got me again! Maybe I will return the favor to my children one day.