Dear President Trump, as an apple-pie-loving, flag-waving, God-fearing, MAGA original American, I want to commend you on your campaign to clean up our country’s “woke” big cities. These cities are run by wimpy, phony, Antifa loving commie lefties that have no right to decline your help. And I am glad that even though violent crime in most cities is at historic lows, this has not deterred you from your mission.

And who believes their statistics anyway? That’s why it was so imperative, Mr. President, that you, Elon, Stephen, and Russell fired the thousands of Federal workers this year for no just cause. They would have just gotten in your way with facts and testimonials from people living in those affected cities. And how could they not trust a man like you, who in nine months has negotiated settlements and brought peace to seven, four, two, or whatever, war-torn areas of the world? I was always bad at math.

Congratulations, Mr. President, for Cleaning Up DC

Mr President, let’s take a moment to celebrate your success in cleaning up that cesspool of a city, Washington D.C. Your brilliant plan to bring National Guard troops who were at home with their families doing nothing to Washington was a stroke of genius.

As for the FBI, all those agents were doing was investigating foreign sleeper cells that were looking to provoke terror in the U.S. But because of your efforts, the National Mall is free of litter. All of the city’s park benches have a new, fresh coat of paint applied to them. And there is not a fallen leaf to be found on any Federal property in D.C.

And those are just the successes that people notice on a daily basis. Those jaywalkers you arrested will think twice next time they think about trifling with the law. And those folks who double park their car, leave their vehicles at expired meters, and ignore the yellow no-parking stripes, the wrath of God has descended on them, and Heaven help them when those $50 fines start adding up.

And to all those who choose to remind us that violent crime is at a 30-year low in the nation’s capital, I say to them, the people residing there dance in the streets every night, celebrating the return of their quality of life.

And What Does Gavin Newsom Know Anyway

And here is what I would like to say about Governor Gavin Newsom of California. You, sir, are an ingrate. First, our great, beloved 47th president sends National Guard troops into Los Angeles to turn the water spigots on, thus bringing the water from Northern California to the LA basin to stop the whole city from burning down. Then, when peaceful protesters in a two-square-block area were protesting outside an ICE facility, you shut that party down. Kudos to you, Mr. President.

This Newsom guy, I can’t figure him out. He started the year on the right foot when he had Charlie Kirk on his podcast. Then, for some reason, a switch flipped. It must have something to do with the fact that he is no longer getting excellent counsel from his talented ex-wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Boy, he sure blew that one. God bless the USA for having such a responsible citizen like Ms. Guilfoyle representing our country as the U.S. ambassador to Greece. Thank God, Mr. President, that she’s on our side.

And as For the Rest of Them

And to all Governor J.B. Pritzker of Illinois, and all of the dissenting voices in Portland, Oregon, I say phooey to you. What does J.B. Pritzker know? He’s downstate in Springfield, IL, 200 miles from Chicago. How does he know what’s going on in the big city? When he taunted our president and said, “If you want to come for my people, you’re going to have to come for me,” and extended his arms out. I say cuff him up, Mr. President.

And there’s just no pleasing those people in Portland. The city’s going to hell in a handbasket because of the wanton ways of 10 law-abiding citizens protesting your deportation policies. Mr. President, who cares if you showed a photo of a fire in Portland in 2020 to demonstrate the destruction and lawlessness occurring there? And on your second attempt to drive this point home, you used an AI-generated image. Doesn’t matter. The ends justify the means.

Keep Up the Good Work, Mr. President

And from this law-abiding, model citizen from the North Country, bravo to you, Mr. President! Your strength to ignore facts and protestations from people smarter than you and your willingness to ignore the rulings of lower courts will help us MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”