The spooky season is amongst us, and Halloween is only a few days away! You may be running around getting candy to pass out, getting some last-minute decor and snacks for your monster mash, or putting together the last things for your killer costume. This year, October 31st lands on a Friday, which means there will be parties galore.

As someone who has seen plenty of horror movies, I have come up with a list of things you should do or avoid doing to make sure that you survive Halloween night. So, before you get “gutted like a fish,” please take the advice in this article, because this matter is very “serious!”

Rules of Surviving Halloween

1. Avoid Drugs and Alcohol

I know, I know what’s a party without some manly flavor White Claws or a little bit of Mary Jane? I get it. It just seems like the people at the party who enjoy these vices the most are the ones the slasher targets first. Maybe their reaction time and sense of awareness aren’t at peak performance under the influence, making them easy access.

If you proceed with these actions, I suggest proceeding with caution! Hopefully, if needed, you will have enough liquid courage to defeat the killer, but we all know by now that Michael Myers is one tough cookie. Maybe you take the approach of “Scary Movie 2” and show that Ghostface killer a good time with the boys?

2. Don’t Work As a Janitor or Security Guard

Look, I understand people need to work to pay bills, but if this is your profession, you may want to call off. Use a PTO day if you have an extra one lying around. Do something! These are the two most dangerous occupations on Halloween night! They are usually found in a puddle of their own blood, with it leaking down the hallway.

I’m sure your boss will understand the concern. If your supervisor isn’t a cool, sympathetic, family-like, nurturing person, then just quit. Take some time to figure things out and get your mental health game up. There are other jobs out there, and hey, it’s better than being slaughtered!

3. Don’t Have Sex

I am not preaching not to have sex before marriage or to stay a virgin forever. If you get tail on the regular, have fun and do your thang! Did you say thang? (Mean Girls reference) Anyways. I know it may be tempting to mess around, because your girl might be in her sexy outfit with some ears on her head, saying her Halloween costume is a cat. My beautiful girlfriend does the same thing, but fellas and ladies, you will be entering the danger zone in more ways than one!

This specific danger zone is one of the terrifying killer stabbing you to death while you’re doing the deed. No one wants to get impaled while you’re on top of your partner, so don’t wander off! Stick with your friends, and take a cold shower for a night instead. Oh, wait, now that I think about it, don’t do that either!

4. Don’t Be a Hero!

Are you a hero any other night of the year? Probably not! So why would you try to be the Halloween hero? Watch “Zombieland.” Columbus told us one of his many rules —right behind “double tap” and “cardio” — was “don’t be a hero.” Try to escape the scene —get the hell out of there with your people.

If the scenario of someone chasing you but walking very slowly, don’t stop! Even though you may think you’re in the clear, they probably aren’t far behind. There are exceptions to the rules, of course, like we learned in “Zombieland.” So if there is some kind of apocalypse and you have to save your girl, my friend, by God, BE THE HERO!

5. Don’t Be an A**H***

First of all, no one likes a jerk or a bully, especially on Halloween! Don’t steal anyone’s candy! Keep the “tricks” in the trick-or-treating light-hearted and fun. All Hallows Eve is a night when kids can pretend and adults can be kids again! You may be one of the main characters of your cast of friends, but trust me, you’ll be the first or last to go!

Final Thoughts

I hope you enjoyed my five ways to survive Halloween night! Every few years, we get the opportunity to have the spookiest night of the year on a weekend when everyone can enjoy it properly. Seems like the perfect movie plot. So whether you’re trick-or-treating, dressing-and-boozing, or Netflix-and-chillin’, I hope you be safe and in the spookiest voice I can impersonate “Happy Halloween!!!!”